Hello Again Blog.
Did you miss me? Probably not. I haven’t written anything for about a week, I think I caught a bad case of the procrastination syndrome. Which isn’t so bad I guess. I just loose valuable blogging time that may benefit me eventually 🙂 But moving on, this is not why I’m here today. Remember when I said I’d talk about the truth and nothing but the truth? Well here is an a dark secret I’ve been keeping for a while.
I may not love my Boyfriend. We’ve been together for 10 months now, and I still don’t feel that spark. I know I’m being totally STUPID everytime I say the words ” I love you more”. Because I don’t, the truth is, we rushed things. And as time when by in our relationship I found myself actually questioning the way I feel around him. You’re suppose to always want to see your boyfriend, not avoid him……
I know I’m a total idiot, how could I be so stupid to not end this any sooner? He loves me so darn much, and he treats me perfectly, but why can’t I just love him back? Why can’t I feel the same way he does towards me? Why does LOVE have to be so damn HARD?!? I can’t break up with him either way, because he loves me, and ending things would literally break him. I’ve tried to before……3 times to be exact…. He cried. So I couldn’t do it. I’ve even been a bitch towards him hoping he’d break up with me or fall out of love. But after each fight, each insult, each argument, he’d find a way for us to laugh or be happy again.
Truth is, I’m not sure I love him, but recently, when I think of breaking up with him, I can’t do it. It simply scares me to think of life without him. It would be depressing to wake up one morning and not see a good morning text on my phone screen. Or to even wake knowing things won’t be the same between us ever again. Why do I have to be so confusing? Can’t I make a simple decision in life? Does my life really have to be this corrupt all the time? When do I get a friggin break? Answer, never.
Needless to say, I’m not much of a “love” writter, the idea of love always seems to leave my mind numb. I can never think clearly so I always end up writing rubbish. But here I am, typing one of my awful curses for the web to see.
Bizzarely, I feel good about it. I’ll be judged, that’s for certain. But I’m glad I wrote this tonight, because I just realized something.
I may actually love him back…